View Full Version : The totally TRUE tales of Major Bludd
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-24-2006, 11:53 PM
How Major Bludd lost his hand.
In an office somewhere in Manhattan a bearded man sits on a chair. He’s not alone in this room. There is a second man sitting across from him, a glass table separates the two of them.
The bearded man began,” So, what brings you here Mr.…….”
The second man finished his sentence,” Lets just call me Larry okay, doc?”
“Sure we can start with that, but I will need a name at some point to bill you.”
“Oh that’s not an issue my company is picking up the tab on this. I’m sorta burnt out these days. I’ve been keeping a big secret, because I fear something terrible could happen to me.”
“Okay. I can understand that. What’s on your mind?”
“Have you heard of Cobra?”
“The Terrorist organization G. I. Joe Combat’s?”
“Yeah that’s them. Well I sorta have a hand in telling stories about them, and one man has made me tell lies about him to make him look better to the public.”
“Interesting, go on.”
“His name is Major Bludd. From what I know he is a mercenary that Cobra Commander recruited in the early 80’s. It all started in a bar…..”
A skuzzy place called Ash Hole Bar was a strip bar that rough biker types and other various thugs hang out at. The Commander was there to feed some dollar bills into g-strings of slutty women. When he spotted Major Bludd.
Bludd was a nasty looking fellow, and what caught the Commanders attention was the thought, “This guy looks like he’ll rob this place.” So keeping tabs on him was something that needed to be done.
The Commander was watching Bludd round the bar when Thumper, a slightly overweight and most definitely past her prime stripper hit the stage. Bludd made his way to a candy machine. The Commander followed.
He stopped at the side of the machine, and waited as Bludd fished his pockets for sixty cents. “Sixty bloody cents! Come on Sebastian ya afta have me dat Clak Bar.”
The commander laughed to himself. Of course Australian, what else.
Bludd become more frustrated.
“BUGGER IT ALL!”
He stooped down and stuck his hand in machine slot and began attempting to reach upward and steal the Clark Bar from the machine.
“Your never gonna get it, Aussie.”
“Names Bludd. Toss off pissa.”
“Look pal I got sixty cents if you really want that bar.”
“Ain’t da point gov, Bludd says he can, Bludd will.”
“Suit yourself pal.”
Bludd continued to fish about in the candy machine, making little progress.
The commander divided his time watching an idiot attempt to get his candy, and Thumper dancing near the end of the runway. When suddenly her stilettos heal broke causing her to tumble backward towards where Bludd was crouching, still with his hand in the machine.
Her mass hit Bludd dead on and as both hit the floor; there was an awful snap, and the sound of tearing flesh.
The world went dark for Bludd.
Several hours later Sebastian Bludd came through in a hospital bed. Their was a man sitting in a chair next to the bed. In it sat the Commander.
“Well……. I was watching an idiot try and steal a candy outta a vending machine when tons of fun Tessie fell on him. Everybody that feels stupid raise your right hand.”
Absently Sebastian started to raise his hand and found it was no longer there!
Bludd calmed down somewhat.
“Look I know this guy, right he owes me a favor. He can give you a cool replacement for that, and all you need to do is one small favor for me.” The Commander smiled.
End of part 1
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-24-2006, 11:55 PM
Guess who’s coming to dinner?
The doctor sat their as his patient rocked back and forth a bit.
“So he lost his hand in a vending machine. So what big deal?”
“Yeah but that’s not how I had to tell the tale. He made me keep it vague, never brought it up. I’m not the only one; he’s made others keep that secret too. Other secrets as well.”
“Like the first time The Commander introduced him to the rest of Cobra……………..”
It was a stately dinner; many of Cobra’s top talent at the time were there. The Baroness. Destro, Dr. Venom, a fellow named ‘Scarface’, and Major Bludd.”
The dinner was a viper’s nest, no pun intended. Everybody had their own agenda. Including the good Major.
Now what he was there for was to start looking for an opening to kill the Commanders biggest rival in Cobra, Destro, the arms dealer. That’s officially why he was there, off the record he had a completely other agenda.
Bludd’s agenda of getting totally blasted by desert had been already accomplished.
“So Major what prior Military experience do you have?” Destro asked.
“Ohhhhhhh I been around Destro.” Bludd replied vaguely.
Truth is the Major left his answer as vague as possible his eyes were on the ass of the young girl serving their desert, and he really had little idea what Destro had said.
The Baroness was clearly curious too.
“Major you look familiar should I know you.”
“Well ah did do some movies from time to time between jobs mostly in the 70’s, you might not know me by my face, but ah can imagine if you saw other parts of me….”
Scarface spit out the wine he’d been drinking.
The Commander raised a finger, and waived it slowly back and forth,” I believe what the Major is saying is his body of work involved firearms co-coordinating, rather than acting.”
Bludd being as dumb as a brick didn’t take the Commanders easy out.
“Yeah I did do that on some films, but I did some work as a porn stand in.”
Dr Venom spoke up,” What the hell is a porn stand in? ”
Bludd was only too happy to supply the answer.
“Oh mate sometimes ah matey would finish up too soon, and go soft, and someone on da ready was needed for filler.”
Destro was outraged, “Major there are women present!”
“Ay, and there were women present on the set too, mind you I wasn’t aloud to go anywhere near them.”
“Pig.” Baroness grunted.
The Commander merely cradled his faceplate in both hands thinking what have I done bringing this moron here. Oh well at least pinning Destro’s untimely end on him would be easy.
Dr. Venom tried to change the subject.
“Sooooooooo uhm yeah anybody here a Clippers fan?”
Dead silence filled the room.
Venom tried to recover, “Me neither.”
The female server had returned pouring everyone some coffee.
Major Bludd just wouldn’t shut his mouth.”
“Ah there missy wot yeah doing after dis little shindig?”
She looked awkwardly toward the Commander, and then back at Bludd not knowing what to say.
Bludd was more than happy to continue his drunken babbling.
“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.”
“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.”
He stopped again.
Everyone in the room was confused.
Finally he spit out, “Anybody got some blow?”
Again Bludd just started up, “You know nose candy?” He said tapping the side of his nostril.
Destro answered finally,”Uhmmmm No.”
Bludd stared at the chandelier for a few minutes, and then passed out face first into his cake.
Everyone stared at him for a minute, and then all heads turned toward the Commander.
He just sat there looking at the Major rolling his face in the cake.
Scarface just had to say something, “I just don’t get it I been in Cobra since it began, and I haven’t even made officer, yet this clown is given the position of Major?”
Baroness was next, “Really Commander I must protest where did you even find this……..this piece of trash?”
“It’s a long story.” Was all he could croak out.
Bludd let loose a long and smelly fart.
Around of,”Agghhhhh came from everyone present in the room.”
Destro grabbed the arm of the female server, “Could you go get some Lysol spray?”
“Anything to get outta here.” She responded, and promptly left the room.
End of part 2
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-24-2006, 11:57 PM
Bludd’s hot date with The Baroness
“But as I’ m guessing you left dessert out of your recanting of this tale?” The doctor questioned.
“Yeah. Yeah I did. But it didn’t end there……..”
It was his first ‘Official’ mission with Cobra. Cobra had planned an operation on the treasury department building that well sorta fell apart. In the confusion the Commander decided this was the perfect time for Major Bludd to take out Destro.
The Commander was driving one Hiss tank with Destro as his turret man, and The Baroness, (Destro’s love interest) was driving the other with the Major in her turret. In the attempt to escape The Commander gives Bludd the order.
“Bludd can you hear me?”
“Major? Are you asleep again?”
“No I dropped my gum gimme a sec.”
The Commander could see this operation was a lost cause if they could just get past that Joe Wolverine tank they’d be Scot-free!
“Damn this turret is small, next time you might wanna consider leaving room for a gum rack.”
“Gum rack? Major our windows of opportunity are rapidly closing!”
“Just a second gov, my gum got stuck to the turn turret peddle an to me boot!”
The Commander looked out the canopy to see Bludd’s turret spinning around and around to the right wildly.
“Oh for the love of god. MAJOR! Quit screwing around and target Destro!”
“Damn it! I’m bleeding trying! Ohhhhh I don’t feel so good I’m gonna blow chunks.”
Green crap came spewing outta Sebastian’s mouth, mixed in were partially digested Cheez Its.
“Gor I don’t recall eating that! Arg this rot smells awful!”
“BLUDD!” The Commander’s voice echoed in his helmet.
“Quit yelling at me!” he countered back.
“Do the job you Down Under Dufus!”
The Major continued to tug at his boot, while fighting back the urge to hurl again. The urge won. Bludd spud was really starting to fill up the bottom of the turret now. As he was ankle deep!
“Ah jeez. Is that my liver? And wot the ‘ell is that? Or that for that matter? Oh wait that’s the condom of heroin I swallowed last week, thank god that didn’t break!”
“FIRE. THE. GUN.” The Commander bellowed.
“Stop yelling at me, your hurt’n me feelings!”
“I’ll hurt more than that, you useless piece of crap. SHOOT!”
The Major tugged at his foot trying to loosen his boot from the traverse peddle.
“Damn it all come loose ye bleeding sod!”
“Major I’m starting to loose my patience what the hell are you doing?” The Commander bellowed.
Bludd tugged, and tugged trying to get his boot free. When suddenly his foot slipped outta the boot. His knee came up and caught him on his chin. The force of the hit knocked him a little loopy as the turret came to a rest targeted at Destro.
The Major started singing,” It’s fun to stay at the YyyyyyMmmmmCccAAAAAA…..”
The Baroness noticed her display, and to her surprise she saw her turrets aimed directly at Destro!
“What is….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she cried, and cut the wheel of her Hiss toward a parked car!
Just then Bludd who was already loopy clonked his head on the fire control button lobbing off a blast that barely missed Destro.
“WHAT THE FU……” Destro screamed. His sentence was cut short by the exploding Hiss. When it dawned on him. The Baroness. Oh no.
But the Commander kept driving.
Bludd had been tossed clear of the explosion, but apprehended by the Joes unconscious, smelling of vomit, and missing a boot, along with a badly burned Baroness
End of part 3
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-24-2006, 11:58 PM
A stroke of luck
The doctor tapped his pen on his clipboard in thought.
“I seem to recall some of that. Wasn’t there a news story about one of the terrorists being apprehended on a hijacked bus?”
“Well that’s the story that went around, and again it was supposedly Major Bludd that was apprehended on the bus, but in reality he was picked up off the ground unconscious, and stinky. But that’s not the way I was made to write it.”
The doctor nodded his head, “I’m starting to see. Go on.”
Larry continued,” Like the day he escaped……..”
The Major and the badly burned Baroness were brought to the Joes HQ, a location I can not reveal, but by the same they were brought there, Cobra had sorta figured out where the location might be, and began an assault on the base. As the tale was told the Major tricked the team doctor, killed the Joe’s General Flagg, and escaped with the Baroness.
What really happened was this.
Major Bludd was handcuffed to the bars of the holding cell, nursing one hell of a headache.
“ohhhhhhhhh” Moaned Major Bludd.
“Shut up Major.” Doc shot off at him.
“Can Eye at least ave a bleeding glass a wata? You know to wash the vomit taste outta me mouth?”
“Look I’m busy trying to save this woman’s life here, so could you shut up?”
“Jeez everybody’s been yelling at me. And I have to pee.”
Doc continued his business, and just ignored the Major.
“Ah feel like bombs are go in off in me head!”
General Flagg the Joes commander walked in. “He giving you trouble Doc?”
Doc continued his work, “Nothing wiring his jaw shut wouldn’t solve.”
Flagg continued, “Look Doc I really don’t wanna put the pressure on here, but we may need to move your patient. Is she ambulatory?”
“Bleeding wanker do you see a big red cross on her sweet rack?”
Flagg rolled his eyes, “Major have you ever been tested for your IQ?”
“Nope, VD once if I recall. Ow. There go those bombs in my head again.”
Doc sighed, and snapped at Bludd, “YOU MORON! That’s Cobra attacking not bombs in your head! God I wish my fingers emitted mace! GAHHHHHH!”
Flagg had to restraint Doc a bit. “Easy Doc, easy I’ll deal with Bludd you deal with her.”
“Where’s my boot?”
Doc looked at him and threw his hands in the air, “I give up. Can I hit him? Please I swear one shot and I know I can clean break his jaw, that’s all I’m asking one shot!”
Flagg considered it for a minute.
Then discarded the idea.
“No. No that would be wrong. Look we really need to get these two together to evacuate. Get her ready OK?”
“Yeah, yeah I can do that. I need to get some more painkillers from the next room though. You wanna watch him while I grab some from the next room?” Doc asked.
Drawing his hand gun Flagg responded, “No sweat Doc.”
Doc exited the room.
“Right, right Flagg not ***g. You sure? I mean you look bleeding gay.”
“Won’t work Bludd I don’t have buttons to be pushed.”
“Ok, so just for conversations sake. Have you tossed a shot into the Bust Baroness while she’s all horizontal?”
“For Christ sakes, she’s burned over 80 percent of her body Bludd.”
“Right. Right.” He paused,” But she is unconscious right?”
“Man. You are a damn freak.”
Just then the fortress shook. A massive amount of Cobra ordinance detonated knocking the occupants all about.
The Major collected himself and stood up,” Jeez and crackers, last time I was tossed like that I was bedding a crack ***** having a seizure in Melbourne.”
He looked around and saw Flagg was not getting up, and a pool of blood slowly was seeping out from under him.
Flagg had stumbled in the rocking of the blast, and fallen on his automatic. The shot fatal.
Bludd was confused at first, but the glimmering of a handcuff key broke his daze.
“Sweeeeeet.” He bent down and snatched up the key. He could also see the General’s gun. He grabbed that too, and frantically unlocked himself from the cell bar.
Just then Doc rushed into the room, and surveyed the scene.
Bludd was free.
Flagg lay mortally wounded on the floor.
And the gun that did it was in Bludd’s hand.
One plus, two equaled,” YOU KILLED THE GENERAL!”
Bludd looked left, then right, and even over his shoulder confused. Searching for someone who killed Flagg.
“I mean….YEAH I DID! Your next pill daddy!”
Another explosion knocked Doc head first into the cell bars knocking him cold.
Bludd pulled himself up from the floor, and looked about.
“Talk about fools luck. And I finally got the Rackeness all to myself! ”
He unlocked the gurney wheels amazingly it had not tipped over in all the action, and rolled the gurney and himself to a getaway.
Their trip to Switzerland is another tale all together
End of part 4
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:00 AM
Getting in deep in Switzerland
As it turned out Major Bludd found getting The Baroness to Switzerland was not as easy as he thought it would be.
Port Newark, NJ
“Look mate all I’m saying is yeah don’t afta lie to the skip, it’s a big boat, just don’t volunteer any info.”
The crewman on the freighter stood scratching his chin.
“What are you gonna do for me? I mean if she weren’t a burnt French fry we could work something out, but like that?”
Major Bludd gulped a bit he had heard tales of what men at sea would do with other men when things got too lonely.
He sighed and gave into what he thought he was gonna hafta do. He dropped his pants, bent over and turned around. “Make it quick mate, I ain’t proud of this.”
“WHA…..look pal sorry I don’t swing that way, I mean I was hoping for cash or something.”
“Oh, oh aye see.” Bludd pulled up his pants, and pulled out his wallet. “I ugh got thirty bucks and a coupon for a free Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast?”
“AHHHH SWEET! Denny’s! I’ll take both!”
“So were even then?” Bludd asked.
“Oh were even, but the captain sent me down here, and already knows you’re on board. He wants you to smuggle some diamonds into England for him.”
“Fine I’ll do it, but I want part of the cut I hafta arrange passage the Switzerland.”
“I’ll talk to the captain, he’s pretty reasonable, he might even radio ahead to have that ready for you.”
A few hours later.
Major Bludd sat in the Captain’s cabin as Captain Kindlely explained the plan.
“Okay here’s the deal, you bring the diamonds to this address.” He handed Bludd a paper. “Drop them off, and in the mean time my boys will bring little miss crisp to this address.” He handed Bludd a second piece of paper. “Odds are you’ll be there before she is, that’s just incase you need to give any one the slip that could be following you. When you get there a car will take you to a train, and the train takes you right to the town where your doctor friend is located. I even worked out fake id’s for you.”
Pretty sweet Bludd thought, but what was the catch.
“What’s the catch?”
The captain pushed a pill across the desk toward Bludd.
“Wot’s dis? I ain’t doing no cyanide for you bloke.”
“It’s a laxative you moron. You’ll need it to drop off the diamonds.”
Suddenly it dawned on him how he would be smuggling the diamonds in.
“See I just bloody well knew something was gett’n shoved up me bottom on this trip.”
Major Bludd was sore, but who wouldn’t be smuggling that many diamonds inside of your rectal cavity? He walked outta port security with a slight limp, there had been some questioning of his limp, but when a man with one eye, and a metal hand has a limp, the questioning pretty much ends there.
Bludd walked to the curb and hailed a taxi.
One stopped and Bludd hopped in.
“Where to Gov?” The cabbie said cheerfully.
Bludd briefly considered killing him just for his cheeriness.
Bludd handed him the piece of paper.
The cabbie inspected it and spat out,”Right-O!”
As the cab rumbled down the street, it hit nearly every pot hole, and Bludd’s backside rumbled with every hole.
The ride seemed like an eternity, but finally the cab came to a stop.
“Ear we are gov!”
Bludd paid the cabby, and walked up to the door of the house. After confirming the address he rang the bell.
A sexy woman in a teddy, and feathered red bathrobe answered.
She spoke clearly she was an American, and a hooker.
“Sweet mercy man did you father beat you with the sexy stick?”
Bludd knew that was a prearranged dialog designed to make him give the counter response.
He hated the counter response,” I wanna be made to fell like a woman.”
“Ohhhh right this way sir!” She led him inside, and closed the door.
“Let’s get this done with.” she stated. Her attitude had drastically changed. “The pill?”
He put it in his mouth and swallowed, “Any chance we could...”
“No. None at all. Its men like you that made me turn to women in the first place. Crap out my diamonds, keep your hands to yourself, or so help me god I’ll put a bullet in your forehead.” She pulled out a gun from the desk draw.
“Shame dat sorta talk usually turns me on. Where’s the WC?”
“Nope. Right here on the plastic, I ain’t taking any chances.”
Funny thing was the laxative didn’t clean everything out.
“22. Where are the remaining 3?”
“Look lass I swear to you he stuffed 25 in, ah man remembers that sorta thing.”
The hooker sighed, “Fine I believe you, but that means there still in there, and I’m gonna hafta go in and dig em out!”
“Wha…..” Before he could finish she was wrist deep searching!
The doctor held his hand up,”Look, look I really appreciate the fact some of this man’s tale has been tampered with, but can we skip the details here?”
“Oh sure. Yeah I guess this is a little gross here, so anyway. The Hooker got the diamonds. Bludd and the Baroness made it to Switzerland, and she had her surgery, she looked pretty good afterwards too, actually better than she had before. Then Major Bludd decided to blackmail Cobra Commander…….
End of part 5
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:01 AM
Setting up The Commander
A Gagillion Dollars!
“So where were we?” The doctor asked.
“Switzerland.” Larry responded.
The Baroness had been operated on, and successfully. In fact she may have looked better than before her injuries. Bludd had explained to her how The Commander was behind his attempt on Destro, her love.
Major Bludd decided he would blackmail the Commander with this info. To that end he made a call.
The phone just kept ringing, and The Commander thought out loud,” For Christ sakes I run an elite underground terrorist organization and no one here knows how to answer a phone, but me?”
He answered the phone, “Hello?”
“This is the international operator, will you except a collect call from……..’Major Bludd’?”
“Oh for the love of……yes.”
“Aren’t you dead?”
Bludd patted his pockets in as if checking.
“Look this is costing me money, what do you want Major?”
“Uhmmmmm oh right money I want money! Or I’ll tell Destro you paid me to kill him.”
“Wow not bad, you actually strung an entire sentence together, but what proof do you have?”
“The Baroness will back me up.”
The Commander went silent. “OK how much to shut you up?”
”One hundred million gagillion dollars.”
“That’s not a real amount of money you fool.”
“Is to I saw it on the Flintstones.”
“Sweet god you are this dumb. Ok how about I do the calculations from Flintstones to real money.” The Commander started making fake beeping noises.” Beep, boop, beep, beep, boo bop. Ugh I got three million dollars.”
“Better run those numbers again Gov, I got two million.”
“You got wha……ugh yeah ok two million, what a maroon.”
“I want that in a Gucci briefcase.”
“Fine, fine anything to end this call.”
“Oh and you bring it here yourself.”
“Your mask is shiny.”
“Oh lord. Fine I need some chocolates anyway. Where are you?”
“Where are you?”
“Idiot you know where I am, if you want me to come there I need to know where you are!”
“Bring it to….” The Major gave him some instructions,” BYE SEE YOU SOON!!!”
The Commander simply hung up. He sat down at his desk, and picked up the phone again and dialed. “Hello Stormshadow? You busy………?”
Unbeknownst to Major Bludd he’s being watched.
“Roadblock, check this out Major Bludd, he’s picking his nose.”
“Ugh that’s nasty Duke, I think I’m gonna puke.” Roadblock replied.
“Ahhhh jeez he just ate it!” Duke cringed.
“Booger tar, tar, man that is disgusting by far.”
“Why do you keep rhyming everything?”
“What can I say I was born this way.”
Anyway a few days later the Joes tracked Bludd to the town of Lucca Italy, where he was to meet the Commander and get his money.
The Commander and Stormshadow stepped outta the car to a town of weirdness.
“What is going on here?”
“You expected less from this moron, Commander?” Stormshadow who was in disguise questioned.
“No, not really. Is this a costume contest?”
“Silly as it may seem Commander; this will provide an unparalleled cover for our combat wear.”
“Agreed, maybe Bludd’s not as dumb as he looks.”
Just as The Commander finishes his sentence a car raced in and skidded to and Major Bludd and a few goons jumped out.
Stormshadow revealed himself and dispatched the goons quickly.
Major Bludd tripped and hit his head on the ground. As he got up a little goofy, Stormshadow was waiting with the business end of his sword pointed at Bludd.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you Stormshadow.” The Baroness had her gun drawn at The Commander.
“Oh for the love of god. What is this a comic book? Doesn’t anyone stay dead anymore?” The Commander exclaimed, “I swear if ever die I’m staying dead."
Just then the Joes came riding in guns blazing.
There was a lot of confusion, The Baroness grabbed The Commander and jumped in the limo.
Major Bludd and Stormshadow grabbed a……………parade float.
“Oh this is intolerable.” The ninja griped.
“Whot? Look it’s a bear! ROOOOOAARRRR!”
“It’s a Dragon first of all and second of all it's a parade float you Australian fool.” A shot ran past his head.
“Well any port in a storm I suppose.”
They hopped on board.
“Shall I drive or do you want to?”
“Crimeny, you need to put a quarter in if you want to ride this here bear.”
“A quarter?” snap his neck, snap his neck, snap his neck, "I’ll drive.”
The chase was really a mess. Downhill driving, a cement mixer, and Major Bludd
farted a lot, and threw up once or twice.
But in the end the Joes captured Cobra Commander. I’d like to say it was their skill, because they simply are the best there is, but in the end it was Major Bludd that tied the Commanders boot laces together, causing him to be captured.
As Stormshadow, The Baroness, and Major Bludd escaped on the parade float Stormshadow was less than happy.
“YOU MORON! I needed him you fool!”
Bludd just laughed, and pointed in the direction of the Commander.
Baroness had a slightly better view of things, “Look Stormshadow, maybe we can work this all out when we gat back and talk to Destro. With The Commander outta the way there are all sorts of possibilities.”
End of part 6
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:03 AM
Setting up The Commander
“They actually captured the Cobra Commander?! “ The doctor exclaimed.
“Yeah, well they didn’t have him for long, and it was sort of an embarrassment that he got away so quickly.”
“Well Larry, I must admit I look forward to our little visits every week. What happened next?”
“Well doc in the brief absence….”
…..of The Commander, the command staff made a few attempts to carry on their own agenda. Including a wild goose chase to Florida, but once Stormshadow had freed him, and then freed himself. Major Bludd was sorta underground at that point. Not totally forgiven at that point, but not totally on the outs yet. Then again there was a tenuous acceptance from all involved with Cobra. It seems no matter who tried to have who killed, or who was blackmailing who everyone put it aside to deal with Cobra affairs.
But The Baroness was a little less than forgiving.
“GARRRRRR!” she slammed a vase into the wall.
Major Bludd sat in a chair with his shirt hiked up just below his chest; he was picking his belly button.
“I HATE HIM SEBASTIAN!”
“Who?” he continued to pick away.
“Big guy silver face?”
“Oh your boyfriend.”
“No the other guy with the silver face.”
Bludd picked away still, and finally looked up at her,” He’s in charge?”
“Yes you buffoon, that’s we call him Cobra Commander.”
“Oh well that explains a few things.” Bludd changed topics with no notice,”Yeah evea really look at your belly button?”
“No seriously it’s sorta creepy.” Bludd pinched the skin above and below his belly button as if to make it talk. And in a silly voice started singing,” You can dance if you want to you can leave your friends behind, cause if they don’t dance then their no friends of mine! S – A – F – E – T - Y Dance.”
The Baroness stood watching in horror. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Bludd continued his mock mouth. “Ohhhh somebody is PMS ing.”
“WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
He stopped his belly play,” What crawled up your ass?”
She was furious, but decided it was either crush his windpipe or put his stupidity to use.
“Look Major, what do you say we do something about The Commander.”
Like a child his eyes light up. “YEAHHHH Lets crap on his desk!”
“Nooo I was thinking more like….”
“OH I KNOW! We can trench his front lawn!”
“Again no that’s not what……”
“TP his house?”
“No more like….”
“Pee in his punch?”
“NO YOU MORON! KILL HIM!!!”
“Oh, yeah well okay we could do that, but it’s not as fun as mooning him from a Stinger window, now.”
“Okay now we need to figure out how, where, when and who’s gonna do it.” Baroness stated.
“OH, OH I KNOW!” Bludd blurted out jumping up and down with his hand raised in the air like a school child.
“Uhmmm I forgot. Heh.”
“Well here’s what I...”
“OH OH I REMEMBER!”
“We could hire that Snake Eyes guy! He’s bad ass!”
“Yeah but he sorta works for the enemy.”
“Oh yeah I forgot.”
“Look lets dig around the offices, maybe something will come up.”
“Well now you and me all alone in the office, somethin’s already comin up!”
Baroness knee’d him in the groin.
“Ahhhh…..huf...huf...that…..was...huf...huf. ..wro ng.” Bludd moan clutching his jewels.
“Yet ever so satisfying. Come Major Dude to the office.”
“That’s Bludd yah daffy *****.”
A right cross landed squarely on Major Bludd’s jaw.
“Aright, aright enough, lets go play Nancy Drew already.”
The Baroness and Bludd made their way to the offices were Cobra kept it’s fake records for moving equipment about the country.
Major Bludd cupped his sack in one hand and his jaw in the other. By the time they made it to the office he was more or less ok.
When they walked through the door and found a kid already going through the files, The Baroness was stunned,” Well what have we here?”
The kid ran up to Major Bludd and head butted him in the crotch.
“Gorrrrr what is this Bag ol’ Bludd day?” Bludd collapsed to his knees.
The Baroness grabbed the kids arm and twisted it behind his back, “Nice shot kid. Do it again.” She whispered.
Billy lashed out with his foot and landed it in Bludd’s crotch.
Bludd rolled to his side, and whimpered in pain.
“That’s for the PMS crack.” She hissed at him.
End of part 7
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:05 AM
The Gun in Sebastian Bludd’s gym bag
“Matters only went from bad to worse as the plot to kill the Commander continued……….”
“Okay now play it all through for me Billy.” The Baroness leaned over and coached Billy.
“I walk up with the rest of these dorks in these Cobra youth suits, when I get close enough I pull the gun and blow off his stinking head.”
“Gah you forgot my poem!” Major Bludd squealed.
“Poem?” Baroness and Billy both questioned in unison.
“Yah, I been writing it for ever now, this whole thing won’t make any sense if it don’t rhyme.” Bludd thrusted a piece of paper forward.
Billy looked at the Baroness, “Is he retarded?”
Billy was getting an awesome view right into her cleavage.
“Apparently.” She paused noticing Billy staring. “Could you not gawk at my breasts?”
“No.” he replied.
“Me neither.” Bludd offered.
She stood back up to her full height. “Can we get back to work?”
“We can if Timmy learns my poem.”
“It’s Billy.” Billy corrected.
“Billy. Timmy whatever I hate kids.”
“We hate you too, Major Crud.” Billy shot back.
“Yeah well your Mama’s so ugly I would bang her.”
The Baroness shook her head, “Look Billy just say the damn poem he wrote will you?”
“Fine.” Billy took the paper unfolded and read aloud.
“There once was a man from Nantucket….” Billy started, when the Baroness suddenly swiped the paper from his hand.
“Hey!” Billy complained.
“I don’t think so Major, something else maybe?”
Bludd stopped and considered,”Yea right try this one.” He scribbled on a note pad tore off a scrap of paper, and gave it to Billy.
“Roses are red, Violets are…..oh come on this stinks, I mean completely it sucks on like the black hole level.” Billy complained.
“Right cause you’re a flipp’n poetry expert now, Johnny.” Bludd retorted.
“BILLY!” he screamed.
“Billy who kid? “ Bludd questioned looking all around.
“ME!!! I’M BILLY YOU IDIOT!!”
The Baroness interjected,” This is getting nowhere. Billy, walk up say the poem, and pull the damn trigger.”
Billy turned his attention back to the Baroness, or to be correct her breasts again.
“Major Bludd the gun please.” The Baroness waited with hand extended for the weapon.
Major Bludd pulled an old satchel type bag up off the floor and dropped it on a crate.
He opened it, and started rummaging through it.
Sifting through he began to pull items out of the bag.
A can of sardines.
A copy of Field and Stream.
Some oily rags.
Hand full after hand full of rubber bands.
An empty soda can.
A my little pony figure.
A thong swimsuit.
A VHS tape labeled Lilly Tomlin: Live!
A measuring tape.
A partially devoured, clearly moldy unwrapped turkey sub.
A deflated blow up doll.
A Rubik’s Cube.
Packets of sugar.
A cigarette lighter, from a car.
One multi colored hankie that kept coming out for what seemed five minutes.
A blow up man doll.
A copy of an Archie comic.
A nail file.
A reseal able can of something called In and Out.
“Is the gun in there or not?” The Baroness questioned.
“Keep yer shirt on…….what am I saying?”
“The gun Major.” She said more forcefully.
Bludd continued sifting trough the bag.
Some talcum powder.
A paper ball.
A waffle ball.
Half of a pool ball.
A clear bag of what could only be toe nail clippings.
Billy pointed, and started to question, “What is…”
When Baroness grabbed his head with both hands and redirected his head so his gaze was back on her chest.
Coupons from the Sunday paper.
One of those tube toys that is hard to hold, which slipped outta Bludd’s hand.
A book of dirty poems.
Something nearly liquid in a clear jar.
A box of raisins.
A Cathy Ireland Swimsuit calendar.
And finally a .357 magnum.
“Sweet mother of god that took long enough.” The Baroness quipped out. She looked back at Billy, and saw he was still staring and used her pointer finger and middle finger
to poke Billy in the eyes lightly.
“Arg.” He cried.
“Now, both of you please don’t screw this up.” She warned them.
Bludd strolled over to her with the gun, and handed it over. He looked down and stared at her breasts.
She pulled the hammer back and jammed the gun in his crotch.
“One hand, one eye. Wanna try for one of something else?”
Bludd gulped and slowly backed away from her all the while focusing on her forehead.
End of part 8.
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:06 AM
What’s on Billy’s dirty little mind?
“So what happened next? They didn’t kill him did they?” The Doctor questioned.
“Well it was close. Billy was nearly cut down the center, by Stormshadow. He was stopped by Destro who the Baroness let in on the plan, when Destro recognized that the kid being used was in reality The Commander’s son.” Larry explained.
“His son.” The doctor noted.
“Yup. Crazy stuff huh.”
“I’m guessing Billy fingered his benefactors?”
“Nah, the kid was tough, he wouldn’t give up the Baroness or Bludd, but that didn’t stop the Commander from getting answers. He hooked up Billy to the brainwave scanner.”
“Oh yeah doc, think of it as a sorta mind sifter / reprogrammer, with a monitor so everybody can watch.”
“On his son?” The Doctor questioned clearly disgusted.
“Yeah, The Commander sure as hell isn’t Ward Cleaver huh? But anyway back to Major Bludd, and the trial of Billy…….”
The Tribunal had been questioning Billy. Destro was in charge of this.
“Billy, come on now you had adult help tell us who it was.”
“No help. This is all my own idea.” Billy answered.
“You decided to murder your own father and obtained a gun on your own somehow I doubt that Billy. Why would you want to kill your father?”
“Are you kidding? Would you want him as Dad?”
The Commander protested,”Oh give me a break I played ball with you!”
Billy shot back,”You tossed a live grenade back and forth with me you *******!”
“Grenade, ball what the difference.” The Commander stated.
Major Bludd decided to add his two cents. “My dad used to hit me with a whiskey bottle.”
“That explains a lot.” Zartan tossed in.
Destro tried his best to keep things under control, “Gentleman please some decorum. Billy you don’t need to protect the culprit. Was it Major Bludd?”
Bludd took mock offense, looking both ways. ”ME? Why would you say I’m involved?”
Destro answered,”I didn’t say you were I wanted to see Billy’s response fool.”
“Oh yeah good, cause I wasn’t involved.”
Billy looked up at Bludd, “Well you did give me that bad poem.”
“ I mean….that is to say….I sorta…..WHOA, WHOA bad poem that was damn fine poetry bucko nearly as sweet as that gu.”
Baroness interrupted,” Major is there a point to this? Perhaps you should gather your thoughts before speaking?”
“Shut your pie hole Bare n ASS.” He hissed.
“People, people.” The Commander banged his gavel. “Nearly killed his father here can we concentrate on that? Huh?”
Major Bludd stuck his tongue out at the Baroness, and she flipped him the bird.
Zartan was getting annoyed,”Look why don’t we hook the brat to the brainwave scanner?”
Baroness started to get uncomfortable,” Oh come on he’s the Commander’s son we can’t do that. Can we Major Bludd? “She looked for him to back her knowing that if Billy cracked on the scanner the jig was up.
“Can we what?” Bludd warbled out.
“Put Billy in the scanner.”
“OH sure we can do that, he’s big enough he’ll fit.” Bludd responded.
Baroness simply slapped here forehead.
“Fine. Then it’s settled hook my son up to the Brainwave scanner!” The Commander bellowed. “There’s Krisy Kream’s and coffee for everyone on the table please enjoy while the technicians hook my son up to the equipment.”
Bludd squealed,”OH I WANNA LEMON NUTTER!”
As he bounded over the tribunal podium his boot slipped on the paperwork on the desk, and he went sailing to the floor.
While the tech set stuff up Destro took the time to talk to the Baroness.
“Your dead, Bludd is gonna screw this up six ways from Sunday unless you talk to him.”
She arched her lip up baring her teeth in disgust, but knew he was right.
She walked over to Major Bludd who was in the middle of talking with Wild Weasel.
“So if you split a Boston crème doughnut like so unzip your pants and…”
He was interrupted by the Baroness grabbing his ear lobe and pulling him away.
“Ow, ow, ow whot?”
“You need to sit back and shut up. If Billy manages to keep us a secret from the scanner it will be a miracle, I don’t need you screwing this up with a slip of the lip. Got it?”
“Got it.” He responded.
She started to walk away, when he grabbed her arm. “Just one thing.”
She stared at him. “I’m dead.”
A trooper called out,”OKAY EVERYONE WERE SET!”
“Maybe the Corps enemy could use a sexy woman in their command staff.” She mumbled as she walked away from Bludd.
Zartan walked past Bludd,” Hey new guy! Who’s Billy?”
Inside Billy was strapped to the Brainwave scanner.
Destro continued. “His thoughts will be projected on the monitor here. We should know what’s been on his mind shortly.”
Bludd elbowed the Baroness and whispered, “Ohhh I hope we get to see Busty Blonds in Love 2, you see that one?”
“Shut up moron this is not a porn theatre.”
“Really oh well then pardon me.” Bludd put his hands into his crotch clearly moving something around and then there was a loud zipping noise.
“MAJOR!” she shouted.
“What I just wanted some milk duds from my bag want some?” He hefted up the box offering for her to take some.
The Commander craned his head back, “Do we have a problem up there?”
Clearly embarrassed she responded,”No, ugh no everything is just fine continue.”
The lights dimmed, and the monitor began to display some images.
“GOR that your ass love!” Bludd cried out as her ass did indeed appear on the monitor.
“Little perve.” She spat out.
The high command of Cobra chuckled.
“Some decorum please.” Destro stated, and the chuckles ended.
Billy’s memories started to play back, some stuff about his father, and the founding of Cobra played by, then a fantasy about the Baroness being naked.
“Ah way to go Johnny!” Bludd cried out.
The Baroness sat and squirmed about in her seat.
The viewer played a scene of her being hosed down and dancing under a stream of water in slow motion. Her hair soaked, and water splashing down the front of her leather uniform, as she slowly unzipped her top revealing a black bra with the Cobra logo over where each nipple would be. She hefted the top downwards toward her waist and spun about whipping her wet hair in the process. She pushed down her uniform from her waist to her upper thighs revealing a pair of black thong underwear and a small stuffed bear tattoo just above the underwear line.
Bludd gasped,”Ahhh look at that do you…”
“No.” She cut him off.
“Can we move on here? “ She yelled out.
“No this could be important.” The Commander responded.
On the monitor she was now down to her bra and panties and thigh high leather boots, and the she had the hose flowing water into her open mouth.
“THAT DOES IT!” she yelled, stood up and put her fist through the monitor.
A round OHHHHHH came from everyone in the room.
“Well then uhm we should adjourn, and take this up tomorrow when the monitor is fixed. Guards! Put my son in the lock up!”
Stormshadow looked thoughtfully at Billy.
End of part 9
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:08 AM
He still works here?
Larry shifted about in the chair, he was happy he was able to get all this off his chest, but it was true what he had said he feared for his life. If Bludd found out he was spilling the beans about what he was really like, well it could be bad for him.
“So last week you were telling me about Major Bludd’s part in the interrogation of The Commander’s son Billy. What happened after that?”
“Well not much really, as with anything in the world things change……”
Cobra was growing, and in all honesty Major Bludd was an idiot. There was no room for idiots at the top of Cobra.
Well actually Cobra’s High Command often was littered with idiots, but for some reason there was new idiots every year like someone was sitting in a cubical dreaming up morons dressed like gypsies, and large birds, but that’s sorta getting away from Bludd isn’t it?
Anyway Cobra was growing in addition to Springfield; Cobra pulled a big rabbit outta the hat with Cobra Island the first of many changes. The Viper program took off, showcasing all sorts of branch specific troops. Cobra was becoming the premiere terrorist organization.
It was however a warrior named Serpentor who claimed to be the genetic heir of histories greatest leaders that started a growing division in Cobra. People were starting to believe he would unseat the Commander, and for sure he was making plans.
Accountant Viper 247 was sifting through paperwork for Serpentor. Being an Accountant Viper may not have been as exciting as a Techno Viper, or Strato Viper was but an army, any army really runs on it’s paperwork, so while not as exciting it did serve it’s purpose.
“He still works here?” 247 was stunned he hadn’t heard that name mentioned in nearly a year, since well before the formation of Cobra Island. Jeez. But this could be exactly who Serpentor was looking for. Someone on payroll who worked cheap, would do any job, and was off the boards. Someone who had simply vanished into Cobra.
“He still works here?” Dr Mindbender, Serpentor’s aid of sorts looked puzzled at The Accountant Viper.
“Apparently. That’s his signature on this requisition form for Vodka.” 247 handed Mindbender the form.
“Is that signed in crayon?” He handed it back to 247.
“It looks it. I have several other forms if you wanna compare them.” 247 handed his clip board over to Dr. Mindbender.
“Blow up sex doll. Vaseline. A Frisbee. 20lbs of weenies? Boxers. A copy of Fat Chicks maga……has any of this been filled?” Mindbender asked.
“Oh yes sir all of it, well except for that badger high on angel dust.”
“For the love of god.” Mindbender slapped his head. He had heard tales of Major Bludd, but he never imagined just what a useless human being he really was.
Sepentor strolled into Mindbenders lab.
“Good day doctor. Viper.” He shook both men’s hands in acknowledgement. “What do we have this day?”
Mindbender let the Accountant Viper tell Serpentor the contents of their conversation.
“Good get him. I want someone off the board for this assignment. Where is he?”
“My lord,” Mindbender stumbled on his words,” this….this man is a dreg. You don’t really wanna use him for the Scotland assignment do you?”
Serpentor slapped the clipboard on Mindbender’s chest. “Get this man. This. I Command.”
He strode outta the lab his cape flowing behind him.
***3 days later***
*** In a sleazy motel outside of Camden NJ***
Dr Mindbender walked up to cabin number 15.
Urine stained the door.
“Dear god.” Mindbender made a face, from the smell of the urine, but he knocked on the door.
Nothing. He knocked again, and called for him. “Major I know your in there.”
“Ahm coming yeah!”
The door opened and Major Bludd stood there in his helmet and tighty whities. A chicken escaped the room.
“What.” Bludd croaked out his breath stank of beer.
“Sebastian Bludd?” Mindbender questioned.
“Mercenary for hire extraordinaire?”
“Yup he’s me.”
“Is this twenty questions?”
“May I come in?”
Bludd just turned around and walked in to the room. Mindbender followed closing the door.
The room looked worse than a frat house. Two hookers, a dog and a midget were lying about on the bed clearly passed out in an altered state.
Mindbender waded through the trash and empty beer bottles and cans on the floor ankle deep. He peered into the bathroom; something was pulsing up like a geyser outta the toilet. It was brown, and Mindbender swore he saw hints of a rubber duckie in the pulsing geyser.
Bludd scratched his ass, and sat on the edge of the bed. Only then did he realize the hole in the front of Major Bludd’s underwear. His left testicle was hanging out.
“You the Dominos guy.” Bludd questioned
Mindbender was stunned he could say nothing.
“You deaf? Where’s my pizza?”
“I…..I “He snapped outta it,” I am Dr Mindbender.”
“Damn it to hell a Jehovah’s Witness! “Bludd screamed. “I bloody well knew I should never let you in.”
“No wait I’m from Cobra.”
Bludd looked him up and down. “Bald, bare chested clearly waxed a monocle, a cape, and purple pants? Man people said I looked stupid. So you gay Mr. Mindbender?”
“That’s Dr. and no I’m straight thank you.”
“Coulda fooled me Dr. Village people.”
“Look we have a special job for you Serpentor wants you to...”
“Nope not ringing any bells.”
“Trust me he’ll be running Cobra soon.”
“Really what happened to Cobra ugh…….ugh…….ugh… Highguy.”
“He’s still around for now, him and that minx The Baroness.”
“The Baroness. European girl?”
“Black hair accent?”
“Still drawing blanks.”
“OHHHHHHHH legs yeah! Hot huh, woahhhhh.” Bludd cupped his hands over his chest in mock description of the Baroness’s chest. “Nice rack huh?”
“Yesss I suppose.”
“See gay. I told you.”
“Look you want this job or not?”
“What is it?”
“Serpentor wants you to go to Scotland, and impersonate Destro, he’s been missing, and you could easily take over his assets there.”
“Are you kidding? According to Cobra’s records you had many dealings with him. Big guy, metal head? Wait for get it. You wanna do this or not?”
“Yeah. Yeah I’ll do it, but first I need to……………”
He just stopped dead.
“Need to what?” Then Mindbender could smell the facial matter in the air.
“Did you crap yourself?”
“Yup. Grab that plastic bag over there mate.”
Mindbender picked up a Quickee Chek bag and handed it to Major Bludd.
Bludd tore off his underwear, and wrapped the bag around his crotch, and butt.
“Right then lets go.”
“Major you cloths.”
Bludd looked about for a minute, and the stated,” I don’t think I had any when we checked in. Just me undies, me helmet, and me gun.” Bludd rummaged through the bed, and found the gun barrel first in one of the hookers’ mouths.
“Right then all set.” Bludd strolled to the door and exited, Mindbender followed.
End of Part 10
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:09 AM
Faux Destro has a tea party
"So you still haven’t told me why you fear for your life Larry.”
“Yeah well there’s been a few things that seem odd lately, but it’s not just my life I fear for.”
“The others you mentioned.” The Doctor stated.
“Yeah but I’m getting ahead of myself.”
“Ah yes Major Bludd, was about to embark on an assignment to Scotland.”
“Yeah the original plan was while Destro had been away with Cobra, Bludd would dress up like him, and simply walk into the castle and take over. Until Cobra found the Joes HQ a place called The Pitt. There was a battle, and both Cobra Commander and Destro were believed dead in the loss of the base. This made Serpentors plan even better. All Bludd had to do was walk in and take over. And he did!..........................”
Scotland, Castle Destro, HQ for Mars Military Arms Research
Sgt. Major walked his usual patrol checking his men. Destro’s men to be completely fair. The lord had returned after a lengthy absence with a group he’d become associated with, Cobra.
Lord Destro had seemed slightly different, but he’d been away for quite awhile, and nobody knew that a man changes when away from home better than Sgt. Major. He mostly kept to himself since his return, taking video calls from Cobra Island, but seeing as how MARS still supplied Cobra with all sorts of armaments that was not something to be questioned.
Sgt. Major continued on his rounds he had a message to deliver to the lord in his study. As he climbed the stairs he mentally went over other things in his checklist of stuff to do today.
He reached the top of the case, and knocked on the massive doors.
Major Bludd was playing with a string wrapping it around and around his finger and tightening it to cut off the flow of blood.
“tehe” he giggled.
Then came a knock.
“My Lordship,” Sgt. Major called from the other side.
“Ahhhh yeah?” Bludd stammered out.
“Video link from Cobra Island.”
“Right I’ll take it here.”
“Of course my lord.”
Bludd listened for Sgt. Major’s footsteps as he walked away, and then came over to the Video Comm panel. He pressed the button.
The bald head of Dr. Mindbender appeared.
“DR GENDERBENDER!” Bludd squealed.
“What are you doing.”
“Well I was playing with some string, and then I was gonna have my soldiers bring up some cardboard boxes so I can play fort later, and after that...”
“NO. You moron. I mean where’s the Destro mask?”
“Oh that. It’s hot in there you know.”
“I don’t care, you know? Look your being paid to do a job, and that mask is part of it. You better start wearing it all the time now after I tell you this.”
“Ohhhhh did my sea monkey’s die?”
“No you moron. Destro’s not dead, he was seen leaving the country heading your way.”
“Yeah ah crap is right, pal. Look now you’re gonna hafta keep your head on straight, and keep that mask on.”
“Oh right like I’m not screwed already. I’m leave’n.”
“You stay right there, or so help me god I’ll tell Serpentor you’re the one that called him and asked if Deek Hurtz was there.”
“*GULP* okay, but what am I gonna do?”
“Have him arrested you moron.”
“Can I do that?”
“As far as anyone else is concerned you are Destro, you can do anything.”
“Yeahhhhh I guess I could do that. HEY can I have Sgt. Major give me a horsey ride?”
“Look after you deal with the real Destro you can paint him green and call him a tractor for all I care just do what we tell you to do dufus.”
“Okaydoekay. See you later Dr. Fenderbender.”
“Island out.” Mindbender closed the link.
A few days later Mindbenders prediction had come true. Destro, the REAL Destro had returned home.
Major Bludd dressed as Destro was having a tea party when Sgt. Major notified him.
“So okay, you be The Mad Hatter, your that stoned worm, you can be the Cheshire cat, your that card guy, and I’m gonna be Alice.” Bludd sat at the head of the table assigning his troops new names. He’d left one guy out.
“My lord what about...”
“OH RIGHT! Your Spanky!”
“Sir first off I’m talking about the fake Destro Sgt. Major’s leading here, and second there is no Spanky in Alice in Wonderland.”
Bludd shook his head, “Welllll first off I got the Super Fuzz right behind those ferns, and second off I was playing Alice, the gal that worked at the diner with Mel, and that old bat that yelled, ’KISS MY GRITS!’ and third it was not in Wonderland I was playing Alice in TV land. So just for that you ain’t Spanky no more now your Screech from Saved by the Bell.”
Sgt. Major led the real Destro into the tea party.
“Tea is only served when the Lord of the Castle is at home.” Destro stated as he entered.
“Oh but I am.” Bludd replied. “There fore you must be an Impregnator!”
“A what?” Destro said blankly.
‘Ahhhhh ugh an Imposter. Screw it arrest him now!”
Police seized Destro. As they dragged him away he protested, but the protests fell on deaf ears.
End of part 11
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:11 AM
“Amazing. He actually pulled it off huh?” The doctor questioned.
“Well he would have if the Joes didn’t intervene. They had been following Destro, and teamed with the British to break Destro out and help him take back what was his for the plans to Cobra’s Terrordrome…….”
“Excuse me?” Major Bludd posing as Destro asked Sgt. Major.
“My Lord it seems the imposter has been sprung with some help from someone with access to military armaments.”
“No, no not that! The thing you said before that.”
“Oh were outta orange Jell-O my lord.”
“Oh that’s just great! Orange Jell-O was my whole line of defense!”
“Ughhhh yeahhhhh okay, so should I prepare the troops for his return?”
“Yeah sure what ever. I need to talk to Dr. Suspenderbender.” Bludd walked off to Destro’s study. He stormed in and closed the massive doors after him. He walked over to the comm panel and keyed in the code for Cobra Island.
A young Tele Viper appeared on the screen,”Thank you for choosing Cobra-Comm how may I direct your call?”
“Get me the bald git.”
“You mean Dr. Mindbender?”
“No Telly Bloody Savalas.”
“Rightttt Mindbender it is. Connecting.”
The screen changed to Mindbenders lab. The Doctor was strapped to a large medical table upended wearing a diaper and he had a ball gag in his mouth, a tall leggy red head clad in a leather bodice and thigh high 8 inch spike heal leather boots holding a riding crop stood menacingly over him.
“MINDBLOWER!” Bludd bellowed.
Clearly surprising both Mindbender and the woman, she removed the ball gag from his mouth.
“Banana, my dear.” Mindbender stated. “Donna, take five I need to take this call.”
“Sure thing, sweetie.” She strolled out camera range.
“What is it Major I’m in the middle of an important experiment.”
“Experimenting with heterosexuality?”
“Yes. I MEAN NO! I’m well versed in it! What do you want?”
“He’s free. I think the Joes helped him.”
“Who Destro? Damn, your gonna have to deal with him on that. He must have cut a deal with them. They have a Terrordrome, I bet they need the plans for it to figure out what’s what.”
“Oh come on. This assignment sucks.”
“Look you’re a big boy suck it up deal with it. Eliminate him if you have to but don’t let them get those plans.”
Donna came back into camera range, holding a bull whip. “You ready?”
“Just a minute. Look Bludd you can do this, and oh remember if Destro should get the upper hand and beat your Australian ass. Serpentor and I never heard of you.”
“YOU BALD HEADED *******…”
The link went dead.
“Okay think, think what am I gonna do?” Bludd walked back and forth.
Gunfire started outside the castle walls. He was coming that’s for sure.
He could hear all sorts of turmoil. Something about a truck, then a few crashes glass, and then wood. This was going badly. He grabbed the plans and started to make a run for it.
As he exited the study Destro and his fiends were closing in.
Destro shouted,”You steal my castle, my title, and the loyalty of my troops! I won’t stand for it!”
Bludd panicked and yelled,” Up yours turd!” He turned and ran towards the steps. Unfortunately he ran crotch first into the corner of the small wall that connected with the hand rail to the stairs. As pain swelled down under Bludd stumbled and fell down the stairs. With Destro in hot pursuit!
To his credit Bludd managed to stand as Destro made it to the bottom of the stairs.
Sgt Major and some troops stood by,”I lost track who’s who?”
Sgt Major replied,”Well whoever wins is obviously the real Destro.”
“Did you hear that? All I have to do is win and castle Destro is mine forever!” Major Bludd swung landing a left cross on Destro’s chin. “CRAP THAT HURT LIKE HELL!”
Bludd felt weak in his knees.
“All you have to do?” Destro kicked him in the chin.
“Hey that was unnecessary!” Bludd yelped!
Destro smashed his elbow on Bludd’s jaw, “And now I’m going to teach you the folly of assuming too much!”
He picked Bludd up by the collar and the back of his shirt and smashed him face first into a column. The mask came off, and Destro dropped him in a heap.
“And now….” Destro stooped and pulled Bludd’s battered face up for all to see. “Major Bludd! This is more of Serpentor’s convoluted plotting.”
“Ohhhhh the room is filled with noodles.” Bludd said aimlessly as he passed out. Destro dropped him to the floor.
As the guards hauled him away Major Bludd knew he was soooooo screwed.
End of part 12
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:12 AM
“I’m sure Destro was less than happy about that.” The Doctor stated.
“Oh he was, he was. Destro had some serious punishment planned, but he ended up remanding Bludd to local custody. After all with the Joes, and other military involved he could hardly imprison him without their protesting. So that’s where Bludd’s story picks up…………..”
“This would go easier if you loosen up, Sebastian.”
“Ugh but it hurts.”
“With all the action you’ve seen, I’d have thought you’d be used to things being pushed this way.”
“Agh watch it mate that ain’t made of play-doh you know.”
“B*tch, b*tch, b*tch that’s all you ever do. You’re getting soft pal.”
Major Bludd had indeed gone soft.
His year and a half in this lavish prison was like paradise.
Sleep till ten am.
Half hour of weight training.
Three course lunch.
Massage. Followed by an afternoon poolside.
Then hours of tele, or reading.
Bludd had angled his way into a minimum detention facility used mostly for white collar criminals. He even got himself extradited to England. Originally it was to attempt his escape, but since his arrival he’d found it was quite the vacation spot.
No worries at all.
Until he showed up.
Bludd had, had no visitors since his incarceration; none at all, so to suddenly find out that someone was here to see him was a shock. Yet dutifully he made his way with his guard to the sun room to met whoever it was that was here.
A man where a United States dress military uniform was waiting for him.
“Sebastian Bludd?” he asked.
“Aye. An you are?” Bludd questioned.
“It doesn’t matter. Have a seat Major.” The man gestured to a pair of wicker chairs. “Guard, please remove Mr. Bludd’s cuffs.”
The guard hesitated.
“Oh go on. It’s all right I’m a trained military man, I take full responsibility, besides I assure you soon enough those will no longer be necessary.” The man assured the guard. He reluctantly unlocked the cuffs.
“Please a little privacy. Nothing fancy, just take three steps back I know you have a job to do here. I don’t want to impede that in any way. I just need to discuss something with The Major that is sensitive to US security, you understand.”
“Fine three steps. No more.” The guard responded, and backed off.
“Thank you.” The man acknowledged.
“Again who are you?” Bludd questioned.
“As I said who I am is unimportant, but who I represent is important.”
“What am I a mind reader? You gonna tell me or not, your holding up my TV time, and if I miss Golden Girls I’m gonna be seriously pissed off.”
“I represent the Jugglers.”
“You’re from the circus?”
“No not juggling jugglers, The Jugglers.”
“And your not from the circus, yeah okay that I got, so what you juggle on Letterman or something?”
“No. No. You don’t understand I’m from the United States Government.”
“Christ, I heard about how much they waste on Hammers an Toilet seats, but now Jugglers?”
“You misunderstand. We…….”
“OH for the love of god WHAT…..DO…..YOU…..WANT?”
“We need you to kill someone, we are prepared to...”
“Major you really should hear me out.”
“Sure, but I’m still okay with whoever it is you need dead.”
“Well then here’s the deal. We pardon you in the death of General Flagg, and clear you of all charges that got you in here.”
“We need you to go to Borvia and you’re gonna hafta kill Snake Eyes.”
“Waitttttt a minute that name sound familiar.”
The man pulled out a picture of the ninja from G.I. Joe.
“That’s Snake Eyes? Mannn I thought his name was Joe, but I meant Borvia, I think I know an old lady that makes chocolate shaped genitalia there.”
“So you’re in then Major?”
“Yup. Right after Golden Girls.”
“Excellent.” The man rubbed his hands together.
End of part 13
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:13 AM
An evening at the Metz
“So just like that Bludd was free.”
“Stunning. The underhanded dealings that take place in the government.” The doctor shook his head. “So what happened on Bludd’s next mission.”
“The Jugglers a secret group of Generals needed Bludd to stop Snake Eyes who had been transformed into a conscious less machine from freeing well someone who could embarrass them from a place called Borvia the only catch was Borvia was in the middle of a revolution………”
Metz was a slimy man, the kind of guy that plants evidence on his own mother to get ahead, but for the Jugglers needs his goal, and theirs were one and the same. Stop Snake Eyes.
As the helicopter landed Metz said to Major Bludd,”You understand that I don’t want him killed for personal reasons? This is for the good of the people! And you did say Snake Eyes was an American Renegade with a price on his head?”
“Ugh well I actually said I needed a glass of Lemonade, and I asked if you’d pay me in hemp, but sure pal whatever you say.” He paused, “But seriously you are paying me in pot right?”
“Oh yeah right no problem.” Metz assured him.
“Right then.” Bludd secured the copter and exited grabbing his sniper rifle,” Remind me which end do the bullets come out of.”
Metz stammered but slowly and shakily pointed at the right end,” Ughhhh that one.”
“Right then, time to make the doughnuts.” And off he went.
Bludd found Snake Eyes pretty quickly. After all he was hard to miss mowing down Security forces by the dozen, but Bludd set up in a bunker opposite from where Snake Eyes was doing his bit.
“Ohhhh this is too sweet a back shot presents itself!” Bludd steadied his rifle on the ledge and kept his eye on the target site waiting for the shot to align itself perfectly.
But Snake Eyes, kept moving about, and Bludd got bored.
“*Sigh* well this is taking too long.”
“I wonder if there are any hot women in this country.”
Bludd looked up from the sites and started to look about.
Whoa Butter Face.
Jeeezz is that a man?
Ah man her parents shoulda put a bullet in her head.
Bullet, head. Oh yeah Snake Eyes!
Bludd turned his attention back to Snake Eyes, but found him heading down the sewer. The perfect shot ruined.
“DAMN!” Bludd dove over the wall and sprinted for the open manhole. When he stopped dead in his tracks.
“Wait a minute if are people gonna think I’m gay if I enter a manhole?”
Metz saw what was going on and yelled out,”What are you waiting for plug him!”
“SEBASTIAN BLUDD DON’T SWING THAT WAY!”
Metz was furious. “DO IT NOW YOU FOOL!”
“I BLOODY WELL AM NOT GAY YEAH FREAK!”
“Wh…wh….WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
“I AIN’T GOING IN NO MANHOLE!”
“oh for the love of…….” Metz thought quickly,” WE CALL IT A STORM SEWER HERE!”
“Oh well then there’s nothing even remotely gay sounding about me entering a Storm Sewer, OKAY!”
Bludd jumped down the sewer, to find Snake Eyes dismantling several guards who had been guarding the manliest chick he’d ever seen and a frail looking man. As he surveyed the situation something fell on him from the open hole.
Bludd regained his footing to find a white clown had fallen on him.
“Oh give me a damn break a mime fell on me?”
“I’m no mime, I’m the White Clown, and I love Magda!”
“Oh what the hell do I look like I care?” he paused, “I hate clowns. I have the tools, and the talent! It’s bullet time!” He hefted up the gun for a shot.
“Hold it right there.”
Bludd was staring at the barrel of a gun held by a midget.
“Oh cut me a bleed’n break here?! A f*ck’n midget Mo Howard with a gun who’s friends with a mime? This country is f*cked up!”
……”So Snake Eyes saved the day, but the man he came to free George Strawhacker died anyway along with his secrets.”
“What about Major Bludd?”
“Well he asked Snake Eyes if he wanted to pick up some chicks, and Snake Eyes pushed him down. Metz almost got hung, but Snakes put an end to that as well. Technically Metz got what he wanted sorta, and so did the Jugglers so the only thing left for Bludd to do was collect his fee……..”
“So Metz, where’s my weed?”
“Oh fine follow me.” Metz replied.
They drove for hours until they reached an area containing several large cargo containers.
“What the hell is this?” Bludd complained.
Metz went to the end of the container and opened it.
It was full of marijuana from top to bottom, front to back...
Bludd’s jaw dropped.
“OH MY GOD!”
“What not enough? *sigh* Fine take two cargo containers full but no more you highway robber!”
End of Part 14
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-25-2006, 12:15 AM
“That was my last tale I was forced to tell for him. In 1994 the Joes were shut down, and Cobra Island was invaded by a multiple branch taskforce shutting Cobra down. Major Bludd was apprehended, and imprisoned at Fort Leavenworth.” Larry stated.
“But I imagine he didn’t stay there did he?” The doctor questioned.
“No. No he didn’t. He tells people he incited a riot killed some guards and escaped, but from my sources it didn’t happen that way at all. He fell asleep in a laundry bin, and taken out by accident. He went underground until 2001………..”
Bludd punched the numbers into the keypad.
He had them memorized. It was necessary.
14, 8, 29, 7, 213.
The display read accepted.
Bludd left the device as it hung on the wall knowing full well what that code meant. He walked over to the table and opened an orange apron and placed it over his head, he carefully tied the strings around his back and walked into the next room where twenty or so people were being addressed by one man.
“Okay people! Sales were a little low yesterday we need to be pushing our Live Plants, and Patio furniture. Grills, grills, grills people sell them grills. Air Conditioners and fans are a big buy as well. You should be selling a service plan with each of those, I know this is an overnight shift, but this store wouldn’t be open 24 hours a day if it wasn’t for the fact that customers do have needs around the clock, and a service plan is something every customer needs! Okay everybody store cheer!”
All at once everybody gathered about the man and started shouting,”GO HOUSE DEPOT! GO HOUSE DEPOT! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOUSE DEPOT!!!!”
Well everybody except for Sebastian Bludd, or how he was known here Sebastian B. Ludd.
The group broke up and started to mill to their various departments.
Jerry the man that had given the speech was heading directly towards Bludd.
“Sebastian, do you have a moment?” Jerry asked.
“Well Jerry the customers are waiting.”
“Brian will cover for you.”
Jerry put his arm around Bludd’s shoulder, Bludd cringed slightly.
“Sebastian, you’re doing a fine job here, but there are a few areas that need some improvement.”
Bludd said nothing.
“First off you’re always a little late for our shift meetings.”
“Jerry I punch in everyday at exactly 11pm just like my schedule says. I’m never late.”
“True, but you should be here and ready for work at least 10 minutes before your schedule for the team meetings.”
“Jerry we’ve been over this if you want me here earlier schedule me here earlier, but until then my time is my time.”
“See and that’s the second thing I wanted to discuss with you. Your attitude.”
“Jerry what attitude I’ve been nothing but courteous to everyone here, staff and customers alike.”
“Again true you do the base amount required, yet you have the least amount of extended warranties of the entire shift.”
“Jerry we work an overnight. There’s like 30 people that shop here in an 8 hour shift, and usually they’re just here at 3:30 in the morning for something quick like the floater ball from their toilet broke.”
“Yes, that’s true, but while there here perhaps you could get them interested in a new lawn mower?”
“A lawn mower?”
“At 3 am?”
“Jerry, do think about mowing the lawn at 3 am when the toilet is broke?”
“That’s not the point Sebastian.”
Bludd gave up. “Okay Jerry sell more plans offer lawn mowers got yeah.”
“Good! Go get em’ tiger!”
“Bleed’n moron when Cobra reforms I’m gonna kill that guy.” Bludd walked away shaking his head.
Bludd had been restocking the chemicals used for killing Jerry……urg Garden Bugs when an old Chinese man gingerly walked up to him.
“Hello sir welcome to House Depot may I help you.” Bludd wanted to puke every time he had to say that.
In his best broken English the man responded,”Where you god damn ho’s?”
“Ugh ho’s? Like the garden tool?”
“NO! GOD DAMN HO’S!”
Bludd shook his head. Is this guy really asking me where are my god damn ho’s?
“Sir I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”
“GOD DAMN HO’S!! ”
Holy jeezz he is asking that! “Sir I’m sorry we don’t have that sorta thing here.”
“GOD. DAMN. HO’S! “
He said it over in his mind.
God damn ho’s, god damn ho’s,Gawdamn ho’s, Garden ho’s, OH CRAP!
“You need a garden hose!”
Bludd was stocking chaise cushions when a man roughly his age with blond hair came down the aisle.
“Hey pal could you help me with something?”
“Sure what can I help you with?”
“Well I was told I might find certain things here that are not quite well hardware related.”
“Like what?” Bludd questioned.
“Well a sailor friend of mine said...”
“Oh sir we really don’t carry boating supplies.”
“That’s ok I was looking more for well male companionship if you know what I mean.”
“Know what you…….oh you have got to be kidding me. This is a joke right? Alan in plumbing put you up to this. MAN. You hear these stories about queer’s shopping for each other in House Depot during these late nights, but you know their just urban legends like that Live Cereal Kid and Explode rocks, but ….come on pal who’s ribb’n me?”
The blond guy just stood there, when all of the sudden Major Bludd noticed he looked familiar.
“Wait a minute I know you.”
“No you don’t.”
“Hole mate you’re that Duke fellow from G.I.Joe!”
“Ugh I hafta be going good day to you sir.”
“No wait I’m telling everybody big ol Duke is a big ol Fairy!”
“Shut your mouth!” Duke yelled. “Wait a minute……Your Major Bludd!”
“Well jeez took you long enough, I mean what gave it away the eye patch, the metal hand, the accent, my name tag that reads Sebastian B. Ludd?”
“Major Bludd you are under arrest…” Bludd tossed a small table top grill display at him from the shelf and took off.
As Bludd ran past a stack of resin chairs he toppled them over behind him in Dukes path.
“FLAMIN FAIRY YOU’LL NOT BE GETT’M MY ARSE!”
Duke jumped the chairs with easy,”I’M COMING FOR YOUR ASS BLUDD!”
Bludd ran into the paint aisle and started knocking cans from the selves.
“HELP HE’S GONNA SODIMISE ME!!!”
“I LOVED GENERAL FLAGG! BLUDD BEFORE THIS NIGHT IS OVER YOU’LL BE BEGGING ME TO STOP!”
Bludd rounded the corner and smacked into a display of light bulbs he regained composure and started for the ware house.
“GET AWAY YOU BUTT MONKEY!”
“ENDLESS DAYS AND NIGHTS IN HANDCUFFS BLUDD JUST YOU AND ME! THEN MAYBE WHEN I’M DONE I’LL TURN YOU OVER TO THE AUTHORITES!”
“AH JEEEZ!!!” In his way stood Jerry.
“Sebastian what are you…..”
“Jerry there’s a customer coming he really needs to compliment you on how clean the store is.” Bludd ran past him.
Duke rounded the corner.
“Hello sir welcome to House Depot may I help ….”
Duke punched him square in the jaw, bones definitely broke.
“NICE TRY BLUDD YOUR STILL COMING WITH ME!”
Bludd found a forklift and jumped on and started it.
“I hafta get outta here!” He put it in drive and ran it down the ramp to the parking lot.
Duke was a few seconds behind him, and saw Bludd go down the ramp.
He grabbed a forklift himself and gave chase.
They crawled across the lot at 20 mph and out the drive way onto the highway.
“THERE’S NO ESCAPE BLUDD! I’VE CALLED FOR BACK UP!”
“GO TO HELL YOU HOMO!”
Cars blared their horns as they screamed by at three times the speed of the forklifts.
“I’LL SEE YOU THERE BLUDD!”
The pair of forklifts trucked on narrowly being hit by the occasional car.
Twenty minutes later….
“Jeez he’s still following me.” Bludd stated to no one. “You ready to give up yet?”
“There’s a Dennys three blocks up you wanna stop for some breakfast?”
“Jeez what a crank.”
20 minutes later……
“Look a diner! Come on fried eggs? Hash Browns? My treat!”
Duke shifted uncomfortably, “Fine! But only cause I hafta take a leak!”
The fork lifts pulled over and parked.
“Look Bludd when we’re done eating I still need to arrest you.”
“Fine, but I’m hungry. What are you getting?”
They sat at the counter.
Duke asked Bludd,” You eaten here before?”
“Yeah good service.”
They both ordered.
The food came, it was really good.
“Okay look Bludd I hafta take a dump so you wait here, and I’ll be right back.”
“Sure Duke, and don’t worry I’m tired of running, I’ll be here when you get back.” He put his hand on Dukes, and blew him a kiss.
Duke left for the bathroom.
Bludd bolted for the door.
Duke came back from the men’s room, and saw Bludd gone.
“That son of a *****!”
“Mister?” a busty blonde waitress called him.
“What?” he half shouted.
She handed him a check.
In the end Bludd had screwed him!
A few days later in what had been Major Bludd’s apartment Duke and several agents were going over the place with a fine tooth comb.
On the fridge was a note held on by a fruit shaped magnet. On it were the time and day Cobra Commander would be in America for the first time in 7 years.
He flipped out his cell phone and dialed his office.
“Get me General Abernathy.”
End of part 15
11-26-2006, 08:10 PM
You reposted it! :)
Greatest Joe story ever!
11-26-2006, 11:47 PM
Thank you Owner of a Lonely B.A.T! I'm so glad that the totally true adventures of Major Bludd can still be enjoyed by all! I'm making a custom Major Bludd right now, only because of your writing talents.
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
11-27-2006, 12:50 AM
That sounds awesome!
Post it when your done.
11-27-2006, 12:04 PM
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
12-13-2006, 01:17 AM
Okay just an update.
I was a bit sidetracked by trying other things, namely trying to get a writing job, but seeing as how I'm in a lull on that, I've gone back to what brought me to the dance, namely Major Bludd.
So as a bit of a preview I give you a teaser of Vegas or Bust Dial-Tone's cherry!
That full chapter is now up on page two.
12-15-2006, 07:44 PM
Oh hell yeah! I needs me some more Major Bludd shenanegans!
01-09-2007, 08:34 PM
“You also said we should smuggle gummy bears into Vegas in our asses, so I try not to take much of what you say to seriously.”
:lol :cry :hahaha
Glad you're picking this back up.
02-04-2007, 10:20 PM
good read, have you ever read the origin story of bludd in the old UK action force comics?
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
02-04-2007, 10:52 PM
good read, have you ever read the origin story of bludd in the old UK action force comics?
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
04-15-2007, 01:29 AM
Part 16: Vegas or Bust Dialtone’s Cherry
Larry sat in the chair; the doctor was 15 minutes late already.
The door opened and the doctor walked in.
“I am so sorry Larry my last appointment ran late.”
“It’s no problem doc.”
“Right then where were we last time?”
“The Major had gotten away, and Cobra was on the verge of reforming……”
Bludd sat in a pretty uncomfortable chair, in Zartan’s everglades compound as nearly all the Cobra high brass, were in a pissing contest.
Blah, blah, blah microbes.
Blah, blah, blah take over something.
Blah, blah, blah Destro had Cobra Commander hauled away last night.
Blah, blah, blah Mistress Armada. Nice rack on her.
“Is the pizza here yet?” Bludd questioned as Destro explained about his plan.
“You are all infested with……Did you just ask about pizza?” Destro questioned.
“Yup. I’m hungry.”
“I have infected you with microbes, to blackmailing you into working for me, and I just betrayed the commander, and you’re interested in pizza?”
Bludd made fake sign language movements with his hands, “HAVE...YOU…GONE…DEAF…I…NEED…FOOD.”
Dr Mindbender spoke up, “Well it’s good to see something has stayed the same.”
“Put a pork chop in it Mr. Pipebender.” Bludd spat at him.
Destro was furious, “Major all of you work for me now.”
“So no pizza huh?”
“No. No pizza.”
Larry continued, “The plan didn’t go all that well. It turns out Destro was really his own illegitimate son, Alexander, and the Commander was smarter than he was in the end. The good Major lay pretty low after that mess, he had been sent to oversee an important task for Cobra……”
Major Bludd and Scrap Iron sat in the front seat of a car with Scrap Iron driving.
“What the hell are we doing here mate?” Bludd asked.
“Were supposed to be recruiting for Cobra doofus.” Scrap Iron looked sideways at him, “But the Commander musta been out of his mind sending you and me to Vegas!”
Bludd pounded the dash excitedly and let out a squeal of joy. “Eeeeeeeeh! Sin flipp’n City mate! HOOKERS! DRUGS! AND MOVIE STARS!”
“Easy cowboy we should check in to the motel at least, hell Cobra is paying for it.” Scrap Iron pulled the car into their hotel, The Grand Desert Oasis.
As the exited the car at the valet Bludd looked back at it. “Ah still say we should have painted it orange with a ‘01’ on the side.”
“You also said we should smuggle gummy bears into Vegas in our asses, so I try not to take much of what you say to seriously.”
“That’s why I like you mate; you know how to filter out the things that matter.” Bludd tipped his hat towards Scrap Iron. “Where’s the damn valet?”
Just then a nerdy looking guy stumbled up, “Here’s you valet ticket sir.” He handed Scrap Iron the ticket as Scrap Iron handed him the keys.
Scrap Iron grabbed him by the collar, “Watch the paint nerd.”
“Yes Sir.” he gulped out
Scrap Iron let him go.
Bludd and Scrap Iron walked off towards the hotel.
The Valet slipped in the drivers’ seat, adjusted the mirrors, and started the car. He located a parking spot and slid the car in. As he turned off the ignition, he spoke to no one in particular, “Major Bludd, and Scrap Iron here in Vegas. If I capture them, I just might get reinstated back to the main roster. Look out Joes Dial-Tone is back!”
Inside the hotel.
“Soooo bar?” Bludd asked.
“Oh hells yeah bar, what are you crazy?” Scrap Iron shot back, a young lady dressed in a maid’s outfit walked past, they both started following her.
“Excuse me miss?” They both said in unison.
She turned around, and was stunningly beautiful……..except for her buck teeth.
“AHH, GAHH.” Scrap Iron gasped.
“Mate a few more drinks and I’d do her.” Bludd whispered under his breath.
“Can I helf you?” the young lady asked. Her large teeth caused her question to sound odd.
“Well if I need a river dammed up...” Scarp Iron began, but Bludd cut him short.
“Bar. Where is the bar, my delicate?”
“Turn reft at the srimming prool, and furrow the figns that fay bar.” She directed.
The both just stared, trying to decipher what she had just said.
“Reft.” She restated slowly.
“Why on god’s green earth do we have to find the half breed daughter of Albert the Chipmunk to ask directions from, come on Scraps?” Bludd grabbed Scrap Iron’s arm, and led him away.
“Affholes!” The maid spat at them.
They found the bar, and proceeded to drink heavily. About an hour into their binge Dial-Tone showed up dressed in what he thought looked cool. White leather shoes with a buckle on each shoe, red striped grey slacks, and a white turtle neck sweater with a brown jacket. He stood out like a sore thumb, but he sauntered up to Scrap Iron and Bludd who were in a booth with two women each, they were laughing and drinking having a great time.
“Ugh hi fella’s.” He waved awkwardly.
The party came to a grinding halt, as the stared at him.
Then just as suddenly they all laughed.
Scrap Iron was able to compose himself a bit, “What the hell are supposed to be a lawn jockey?”
Bludd was taking a sip from his beer when he said it, he laughed so hard it came back up out his nose.
Everyone was in hysterics while Bludd was trying to clean up his nose, he was hollering, “That bleed’n burns, stop make’n me laugh mate.”
“Look guys I was wondering if I could…” Dialtone began.
“Be cool? Nope it’s too late.” Scrap Iron offered.
Bludd began to pound the table howling, “Stop, stop mate me sides hurt!”
“It’s just I see you’re with all these pretty ladies, and….” He began again.
Scrap Iron got up and yelled, “TWO FOR ME NONE FOR YOU!”
Bludd slipped under the table laughing. “I hate you mate, I truly hate you!”
Dialtone slumped a bit, and said, “I just thought….never mind.”
And started to walk away.
The blonde to Scrap Iron’s right started to feel sorry for him, “Ohh Mr. Iron look I think you really hurt his feelings. Mr. Ludd please get you’re hand out of there.”
There was a bump from under table as Bludd’s head hit the underside.
He came back up from the underside, and spoke to the blonde, “Go’n commando luv?”
She gave him the finger.
“In good time.” He replied.
“Fine, fine I’ll go see what Dweebert there wanted, make a hole.” Scrap Iron scooted out of the booth leaving Bludd with all the girls.
“Soooo ladies, which one of you wants to, join my skull squadron?”
The blonde answered, “I need to be even more drunk before we discuss that.”
The rest of the girls agreed, and grabbed their drinks.
Scrap Iron walked over to Dialtone, “Hey pal, you making me look bad in front of the ladies, what is your deal.”
“Well I’ve never been too good with the ladies, and…”
“You? No. Come on your jerk’n my chain right?” Scrap Iron mockingly asked.
“No it’s true I’ve never even been with a lady before.” He responded.
“Okay, do me a favor stay right here, don’t move right.” Scrap Iron ran over to the table.
Dialtone looked over at the table, and everyone sitting there craned their necks and looked over at Dialtone, he squirmed uncomfortably.
One by one Dialtone could see Scrap Iron ask the ladies something, and one by one they shook their heads and left.
Bludd and Scrap Iron walked over to Dialtone.
“Mate, me an my buddy have a deal for you.”
Scrap Iron continued, “We get you laid, you get as far away from us as possible you C-Blocker.”
“Deal.” Dialtone responded.
Scrap Iron slapped a hand on Dialtone shoulder, and said, “First thing we need to do is get some beer into you, because there is no way any woman in the world is gonna do the deed with you when you or she is straight.”
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
04-15-2007, 01:29 AM
“I DON’T WANT ANYBODY ELSE, WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU I TOUCH MYSHELF, I TOUCH MYSHELF, I TOUCH MYSHELF……” Dial tone sang loudly while dancing all about the bar.
“Crikey, mate how many has he had?” Bludd asked.
Scrap Iron swished some beer around in its can. “Including this one?” He drank the rest of what was in the can and placed it on the table, “Two.”
Bludd grabbed Dialtone, and covered his mouth, “Look mate your ready to find a lady and get your freak on or wot?”
A wobbly Dialtone removed Bludd’s hand from his mouth, “Can I lick her toes?”
Scrap Iron came up beside him, and both him and Bludd supported a drunken Dialtone, “Let’s find Mrs. Rightnow first.”
“HELLS YES!” Dialtone yelled, “Oh….oh but do me a favor, don’t tell Scrap Iron, and Major Bludd that I’m Dialtone…..shhhhh okay….it’s a secret.”
Bludd looked at Scrap Iron, “Alright mate we won’t say boo to anyone.”
They dragged Dialtone outta the bar, and towards the casino, along the way Dialtone needed to throw up in a potted plant. As he wretched Scrap Iron, and Major Bludd talked, “He’s a bleed’n Joe mate, wot are we gonna do?”
“Well we get him laid.” Scrap Iron replied.
“Wot why, better yet how?”
Scrap Iron, clicked his fingers, “Why didn’t I think of this before?”
“Wot?” Bludd questioned.
“We’ll use the Surveillance Light Utilities Tactical Battle Android Trooper, see it’s a prototype android that has a synthetic skin, its primary function is surveillance, but she has all the parts a real live woman would have. We can use that on Dialtone!”
Bludd was putting two and two together…., “A S.L.U.T.B.A.T.?! Man we should sell those! I better there better than a wife!”
“We can’t Destro had this prototype made, and the Baroness found out about it…..she flipped out completely! This baby is one of a kind. Keep doofus here I’ll get here outta the trunk in the car!”
Bludd danced in a circle singing low to himself, “Slut BAT, Slut BAT, Slut BAT.”
Dialtone was still puking.
Scrap Iron returned with a six foot tall blonde whose legs went up so far to her black miniskirt. She had a halter top on, and long stiletto heals, by far she was the most amazing thing Bludd had seen.
“Is this it? It looks so real!” he asked.
“Sure is.” Scrap Iron answered.
Bludd clamped on to its leg and started a humping motion, “Wow it must be an android normal woman smack my face when I do this!”
“Well please stop. Get the Joe will yeah.”
Bludd dismounted the androids leg, and started towards Dialtone.
Scrap Iron gave it, it’s instructions as Bludd dragged Dialtone over, “You will follow this man and have sex with him, you will do what ever acts he asks for, and when you are done you will strangle him, and then return to the car trunk. Repeat your instructions.”
It spoke in an incredibly sexy voice, “I will follow this man and have sex with him, I will do what ever acts he asks for, and when I am done I will strangle him, and then return to the car trunk, and repeat your instructions.”
“Close enough.” Scrap Iron said.
Scrap Iron, slapped Dialtone back in to focus, “Heyyyyy buddy we found her, she’s all yours take her back to our room, and enjoy! Here’s the key the room number is on it!”
Dialtone looked at Scrap Iron, and Bludd, “You guys are the best. I love you!”
The BAT and Dialtone walked off towards the elevators.
“Hey mate why our room?” Bludd asked.
“We got one night here, and I’m not gonna sleep are you?” he elbowed Bludd in the ribs.
Bludd smiled and they headed for the casino.
Meanwhile back in Castle Destro, the Baroness sat down with her laptop, to find a message. It was a remote transmit from something Destro had told her ‘he got ride of’ The S.L.U.T.B.A.T.
She knew well enough that Destro himself was here, and the transmission came from Las Vegas, it took very little digging to find Bludd and Scrap Iron were in town. She pulled up the S.L.U.T.B.A.T.’s instructions.
““I will follow this man and have sex with him, I will do what ever acts he asks for, and when I am done I will strangle him, and then return to the car trunk, and repeat your instructions.”
The Baroness was disgusted, “Perverts.”
She modified the command, “I will follow this man and have sex with him, I will do what ever acts he asks for, and when I am done I will strangle him, repeat.”
She smiled, “That should keep them busy!”
She closed her laptop.
The rest of the command caused a glitch in the S.L.U.T.B.A.T.’s programming. It had followed Dialtone as instructed to the room, and as he sloppily removed his shoes, it turned and left the room.
“Ohhh”, he sighed, and vomited again on the floor.
“It’s still early I can find me someone else!”
Eight hours passed.
Scrap Iron, and Major Bludd lost all their cash, and returned to their car at sunup, to find there was no S.L.U.T.B.A.T. to be found.
The doctor looked at Larry, “Where was it?”
He shook his head, “I don’t know, we still don’t know somewhere in Vegas we believe.”
“Are you sure?”
“An average of 27 men are killed a day in Vegas, forensics indicate they were strangled shortly after having sex.” He replied.
“Why haven’t I heard about this on the news or something?”
“Doc you have, does what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas sound familiar?”
“Oh my god.”
“Yeahhhhh, if I were you I’d stay away from Vegas Doc.”
“What happened to Dialtone?”
“Oh yeah Dialtone, the Joes eventually called him up as a reservist, but he was never the same after that night…..”
Dialtone awoke in a strange room, and in a strange bed, a woman lay face down naked with her arm draped over his chest, “Where am I?”
He surveyed the small room, and saw a maid’s uniform on the floor with his own cloths, “What did I do?”
The woman began to stir, and he looked her in the face as she said, “Helro schweethearft.”
She leaned over and kissed his check with her massive buck teeth, and said, “You are sfo sfexy my husband.”
“HUSBAND?! WHAT DID I DO?” he jumped outta the bed, and ran to the wall.
She sat completely up, and the sheet fell off revealing her perfect breasts, “Whafts wrong schweethearft?”
Dialtone looked at her rack and said, “Oh what the hell, she is pretty hot.” And dove in the bed.
09-25-2009, 05:05 PM
This story is too damn funny. Even years later I'm laughing so I'm going to showcase this on the fp. While looking for a good photo of Bludd I found this:
Yeah. That seems appropriate. Source of the photo: Spec Op Toys (http://www.randywithers.com/specoptoys/gijoe-cobra-photos).
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T.
09-25-2009, 05:16 PM
I've been thinking of doing some dio work of this...minus the Larry framing, I liked it when I wrote the framework but have since found I have no way out of the frame.
09-25-2009, 07:22 PM
09-25-2009, 07:47 PM
This might be a Toxo-zombie thread, but man, it is one heck of a read!
09-25-2009, 09:16 PM
this is a thread worth zombiefying.:D
09-29-2009, 02:32 AM
Man that was funny.
The Vodka requisition in Crayon ...
Him shitting himself and wrapping himself in the plastic bag and was ready to go I was laughing myself into tears.
06-16-2011, 03:09 AM
I'm glad we were able to save this one most of all! A Cobra Island Classic!
09-08-2011, 01:05 AM
This picture from Cobra #4 reminds me of your story:
Major Bludd. Eating a hamburger. Reflecting on the fact that he'll never be Cobra Commander.
After eating the burger?
06-23-2012, 08:12 PM
So I had my first taste of Clark Bar about a week ago. Definitely worth the risk of losing a hand . . . :wtf
06-23-2012, 10:11 PM
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